So the coffee shop I write in has been playing Christmas music for the past few weeks. Nothing out of the ordinary there, except that occasionally, in the midst of all the yuletide cheer, I’d suddenly find myself struck with STRANGE EMOTIONS. Courage, American pride, and… an urgency to check my Tamagotchi? What could be the meaning of this?
Taking advantage of this opportunity to procrastinate, I threw all of my efforts into pinpointing what tune was triggering these uncanny emotions. Eventually, I found it.
Consider the following riff:
Now, it took much pondering and digging, but I finally deduced what this handful of notes was rattling against somewhere deep in the cellars of my mind. Yes, this socially-conscious wintery anthem unintentionally summoned the very same emotions I felt the first time I encountered this as a middle schooler circa 1999:
And so the mystery was solved.
Except not quite.
For while Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes is undoubtedly a nostalgic masterpiece that would tug at the star-spangled heartstrings of even the most ardent anti-jingoist, it alone could not account for the raw surge of unbridled patriotism I experienced every time “Do They Know It’s Christmas” played through the coffee shop speakers.
Until I realized that, underneath the screeching eagles and billowing flags, I was also feeling a lingering wisp of we-should-have-listened-to-Jeff-Goldblum-from-the-start.
No… It can’t be…
Yes, my friends:
Some may say it’s a coincidence, but I believe I may have stumbled upon the most far-reaching Christmas conspiracy ever to be unraveled. I’m well aware that I take my life in my own hands by distributing this information, but the people should know.
The people must know.